Twilight (The Movie)

Twilight


Directed By: Catherine Hardwicke
Reviewed by: Kait, 15
Rating: Hated it!


I just have one request of Catherine Hardwick: Could we please have two hours of Cam Cigandet's chest rather than two hours of watching this horribly awkward movie? That is at the top of my Christmas list, because it was truly the only thing that got me through the worst two hours of my life. It's hard to believe I willingly wasted 10$ on that movie.

Where do I begin?

I'll start out going through the movie in something resembling an order, but chances are I'll forget something mildly amusing and throw it in at the end. Cut me some slack people, it's winter vacation. This and the review I wrote ten minutes ago are the most work I've done in two solid weeks.

1. Robert Pattinson: Normally I'm cool with this guy. I'm a Potter-maniac, and I did almost cry when Cedric Diggory died. But in this film they took a mildly attractive Brit and turned him into a creepy, pervy fairy of a vampire with blonde highlights! And they got rid of his British accent. That alone is heresy.

2. Kristen Stewart: Okay, she's just wierd. She looks like she's half-asleep the whole time, and then there was that awkward scene in her bedroom. Just plain wierd.

3. Taylor Lautner: I just have two things to say about this. First - the hair. *Shudders*. Second - the chest. Why did we not get to see it?

*Author's Note - see there, that was in order! You should be impressed. I'm waiting for my applause...

4. What was with the fact that it felt like I was wearing blue-tinted glasses the entire time? Could we please have some better visual effects? It was just odd looking.

5. "Bella's" costuming: Ha. HAha. HAHAHAAHAHAAA. I laughed. I laughed quite a bit. Whoever died her hair looks like he/she did it with a box of cheap hair dye that was about 20 years old and had started molding. And those brown contacts were awful. Plain and simple. And could she wear something a little less homely? I know Meyer played her up as 'plain', but i would love to see some colour. Just saying.

6. Jasper's Hair: Whoever did that should be shot. Look up Jackson Rathbone on imdb or something. He's a cute cookie! But those blonde highlights were just awful!!!

7. Rosalie's Hair: Are you seeing a pattern here? The stylists really should have gotten some training before they went onto the set. This girl is normally beautiful. AS A BRUNETTE. She's got darker hair than I do! (For reference's sake, my hair is dark. For the record) Rosalie's supposed to be the most beautiful girl in the world (Yeah, right, Steph.) and yet she looks so unnatural! Keep her a brunette, it's better that way :)

8. "I like watching you sleep". No lie, when I was in the theater watching this, after that line I had had enough. I whispered (loudly) "STALKER!" and the entire theater started busting up laughing. THAT is how ridiculous this film is.

That's pretty much the end of the review for now, seeing as I'd prefer to keep my lunch (which was delicious) in my stomach/small intestine, rather than all over my lovely laptop. For your sake and mine, I'll stop now.

Peace Kids :)




*Author's Note - now, in case you didn't notice, in this entire review I shied away from talking about the ridiculous storyline, etc. because that is all related to the "novel" itself. If you are in the mood for some biting wit and hilarity, read my review on the Twilight Saga. I'd like to think it's amusing. Please help me stay sane and read it and comment. It might make my day that much less-bleak.


Recommended to: No one. Please end this illness that is Stephenie Meyer!