Thursday, January 15, 2009

Twilight Series

Twilight Series

By: Stephenie Meyer
Reviewed by: Kait, 14
Rating: Hated it!

Goodness, where do I start? Firstly, I AM expecting major comments by twi-hards telling me I'm wrong, there's something wrong with me, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I'm used to it. Heck, I LIVE with a twi-hard. So comment away, and I'll go cry myself a river, build a bridge, and get over it (Regardless of how cliche, I lOVE that saying.).

So while I'm trying to find a way to organize this, I think chronologically is best. But I'll probably forget a bunch of stuff and add it at the end...whatever.

1. Twilight: admittedly, I was a die-hard twi-hard for about a year. Sigh, I'm not proud of it. And I believe it's because of the original appeal of the first novel. It's one of those books that, first time around, gives you butterflies in your stomach as you wonder who on Earth could love someone as much as Edward does. But, take an objective look at it and it's just YUCK.

Firstly, I believe that Stephenie Meyer only knows a handful of adjectives, forcing her to reuse her character descriptions about once every paragraph. Case in point (or rather, caseS): Edward - godlike, perfect, sparkling, topaz eyes; Alice - inky black hair, pixie, dancer; Bella - heart-shaped face, super white face, chocolate brown eyes; Jacob - copper skin, black hair. Honestly, Steph, we're SICK of it!

Secondly (and yes, this is still only the first book), I don't know how much one person can take of hearing Bella kick herself about how imperfect she is and how perfect Edward is and how she doesn't deserve him! I can't stand it! GAH GET A SPINE WOMAN!!!

Thirdly, what the heck is up with having 500 pages with 4 inch margins, super big print, double spaced, and tons of little paragraphs? Honestly, it wouldn't kill her to give up and make the book a scoche smaller. Just saying.

Fourthly, who on Earth falls in love after about 3 conversations with a guy? He's a stalker! He WATCHES HER SLEEP! It's plain CREEPY!

Fifthly, I'm sorry, but it just makes the rest of the female, adolescent world feel like crap when we have a girl beating herself up emotionally with a half dozen guys all in love with her! It sucks.

Sixthly, I dislike perfect people. They don't exist. And neither do perfect vampires. GO AWAY EDWARD!

Seventhly (if that is a real "-ly" word), it's just poorly written. Not very creative either. But I digress. Again.

2. New Moon - I'm going to make this one short and sweet, like the book should have been. I am SICK to DEATH of hearing Bella whine about Edward! Girl, we get it! You miss him! Now shut up and pick one of the other boys or join a convent!

3. Eclipse - man this book took forever. It was like 800 pages of Bella saying "I love Edward! I love Jacob! I love Edward! I love Jacob! I love Edward! I love Jacob! I love Edward! I love Jacob! I love Edward! I love Jacob! I love Edward! I love Jacob! I love Edward! I love Jacob! I love Edward! I love Jacob! I want to be a vampire with my boyfriend!" It's boring.

4. Breaking Dawn - I'm convinced Meyer gave in and took a dartboard, wrote down every idea she had for the novel on it, and threw about 60 darts at it, and whatever she landed on she put in the novel at one point or another. Blech. Besides, who has all this build-up for a huge vampire battle, then has it resolved quietly with hardly any bloodshed! Give me the gore! Give me the guts! Give me SOMETHING! Plus the name Renesmee was plain STUPID.

Overall, there is total overkill about the books. At least at my school, every girl is convinced she is marrying Edward Cullen and that Twilight is the best piece of literature she or any other person could ever pick up. Come on. Please.

Haha, this wins as my official longest review. I'm loving it! The review, NOT the book. Payce kidz :]

Recommended to: Nobody. Please END THIS!!!!


Lisa said...

Twihards, are you just going to let her dish out this smack? HA! (as for the river cliche, it was new to me.)

Gina said...

Best. Review. Ever. Period!

Anonymous said...

seems likely that they will come out with a Twilight sequel pretty soon, there's a crazy lot of ticket sales at stake

Anonymous said...

Really the only adjectives overused are perfect and topaz, at least, the ones I notice. I agree with a lot of this. Edward is perfect, and perfect doesn't exist. In short, he is a Gary Stu (male Mary Sue). I have the same experiences at my school with Twihards. Most of the girls don't love the books, they love Edward.

Anonymous said...

lmao, omg, i love this review. I read it to all my friends, its funny and awesome and i agree with it all..

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more with your review. Honestly people! This is nonsense! And if I might add a little: has anyone noticed how everyone in the story absolutely loves Bella FOR NO APPARENT REASON?? Just wondering. Ta ta!

Unknown said...

hahah this was hilarious and Im what you'd call a "twihard" i suppose. I like the series but im nt obsesd with it so idk if i qualify into ur "twihard" definition. lets c, im not about to start telling u were ur wrong and right cuz everyone is entitled to their own opinions.Bella gives me the "weak female" image but other than that I thinks its a good read ^_^ lisa dont think of it as smack, just let it be hahaha i get this all the time from my best friend about twilight :D